


Acceptance

by CirrusGrey



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Character Study, F/F, Hopeful Ending, I guess the relationships are only implied but shhhhh no they're in love, Introspection, M/M, Martin returns, Self-Worth Issues, but still, episode 136 spoilers, this is not a happy story martin's going through Some Stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2020-02-10 12:43:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18660685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CirrusGrey/pseuds/CirrusGrey
Summary: References to MAG 136 - potentially spoilery!Inspired bythisthread on Tumblr - Martin knows that the Archives team has finally started to form a bond with each other. He just wishes it hadn't been because he left.





	Acceptance

Martin was… uncertain. 

No, that - that wasn’t quite true. He  _ knew  _ he couldn’t go along with Peter’s plan. The more he had thought about it, the more certain he’d become that the only role he could possibly play in whatever scheme the man was putting together would be as a sacrifice, and that… that wasn’t something he was willing to do. There  _ had _ to be another way, and Dekker had seemed pretty sure Gertrude would be able to find one, so… so Jon would probably be able to as well. Hopefully. 

So Martin wasn’t uncertain that returning to the Archives was the right decision, in the grand scheme of things. It was what was best for the world, all told. It was just… he didn’t know if it was best for the small microcosm that was the Archives themselves, and the people who called it home. His little “soap opera” as Peter termed it. For them, for the people Martin cared about… it might be better if he stayed away.

They certainly seemed a lot happier with him gone than they ever had when he’d been around.

He hesitated in the hallway leading to the Archives, logic and his longing to return to the people he cared about warring against his self-doubt. He knew returning was the right choice, he  _ did,  _ just… 

He’d seen them, a few days ago, returning to the Institute late at night. Basira had been leaning against Daisy’s shoulder, one arm thrown protectively around her waist. Daisy had been laughing at something she’d just said, and Jon… Jon was walking next to them, smiling in a way Martin hadn’t seen in far too long. All of them were slightly flushed, and Martin had realized with a sickening jolt that they had been out for drinks. They looked… happy. They looked like they belonged. And Martin had watched until they turned a corner out of view, fighting against the cold and empty bitterness that had arisen at the sight. 

How many times had he tried to get everyone together, only to be told they were busy or had more important things to do? 

It wasn’t just the drinks, either. Peter had delighted in updating him about the progress the Archives team was making in working together, in trusting each other, in being  _ friends. _ Melanie was in therapy, apparently, and Basira was starting to drop her guard - around Daisy at least. Still not sharing her full plans, but rebuilding the connection they shared outside of work. And Jon was actively seeking companionship, getting to know Daisy and reaching out to Basira and Melanie. 

He wished he could convince himself Peter’s updates were an honest attempt to keep up his end of the bargain and show that the others were safe; still, with every reminder that his leaving had been the catalyst for this new team bond that was forming, he felt himself slip farther toward the point of no return, and the thought that maybe leaving it all behind was for the best, after all.

What right had he to barge back in and shatter this new dynamic they were building?

But… he really  _ did _ have to go back. He couldn’t prioritize the Archives over the rest of the world.

It was rather ironic, he thought, as he made his way toward Jon’s office. Peter had spent so long telling him that same thing, that he needed to focus on  _ the bigger picture, _ in an attempt to drag him away from the Archives. Now, when he was finally committing to it,  _ the bigger picture _ was what was pulling him back. 

Maybe he could just tell them what they needed to know and then leave again. He couldn’t go back to Peter’s plan after doing that - he still didn’t want to be a sacrifice - but he could keep up the admin job. Officially transfer departments without using some spooky supernatural deal to do so. He didn’t need to subject the Archives to his presence any longer than necessary. 

There were voices coming from Jon’s office. Martin paused outside the closed door, unsure if it was better or worse to have someone else there in addition to Jon. He could come back later. Or - better yet, he could just write down what they needed to know. Make it a statement, so he didn’t even have to face the humiliation of talking to them and knowing they’d rather he wasn’t there. 

Well… that was a little harsh. He didn’t  _ actually  _ think they disliked him that much, and Jon at least had wanted him to come back. Though that had been before everyone else started talking to him again…

Even so. It wasn’t that he thought they hated him. Just that, as a team, they worked better if he wasn’t around.

His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden outburst from the office, Daisy’s voice raised in exasperation. 

“Oh, give it a  _ rest,  _ Jon! Moping isn’t helping anybody, and… you really  _ aren’t  _ alone, you know.”

“It doesn’t feel that way.” Jon’s voice was softer, and Martin had to step closer to the door to hear it. He sounded… sad. Surprisingly so. Martin had expected him to be, if not happy, at least back to his normal mix of exasperation, curiosity, and dry humor now that he had people to talk to again, but instead… He sounded sad. And very, very tired.

“Look, even if Basira and Melanie don’t want to talk to you, you’ve still got me.”

So this was the new Daisy, then. Martin could see why Jon was spending so much time with her. He had a tendency to gravitate toward people who would call him out on his flaws, whether that was paranoia or reckless independence, even if he didn’t realize that was what he was doing. It was one of the reasons he’s gotten along with Sasha so well, when she was still  _ her. _ One of the reasons he’d started spending more time with Martin, after the Prentiss incident. 

“I… I know.” Jon sighed, and Martin’s heart ached to hear it. He wanted,  _ so much,  _ to be able to protect Jon from this. From everything that would make him tired and sad and scared and alone. But he couldn’t, and if he tried he was liable to make things even worse. “And I appreciate the company, I really do, you’re… well, I enjoy spending time with you, a lot more than I would have expected.” This drew a short laugh from Daisy - no more than an amused huff, really, but enough so that Martin could hear the returning smile in Jon’s voice for a brief instant before it faded away. His thoughts were caught on that - on Jon smiling, on how little he had done so for as long as Martin had known him - and so Jon’s next words caught him entirely unawares. “It’s just… It’s not the same? I still… I miss  _ Martin.” _

“He’s not gone, Jon. He’s just -”

“Busy doing paperwork. I know.” Martin realized with a jolt that his hand was on the doorknob, ready to open it and burst into the room. He took a deep breath, carefully loosening his fingers and dropping his arm. He couldn’t - he  _ wanted _ to go in, to tell Jon he was back for good, but… something still held him back. Jon had never - Martin was just someone who he was used to being around, that was all. Maybe Jon missed having someone he could talk to who had never tried to kill him, but there was no way he missed  _ him.  _

“He’ll come back some day.” Daisy’s voice was surprisingly soft. 

“Will he, though?” And there it was, that slightly hysterical edge that Jon got when he was truly upset by something. To hear it in context of him talking about Martin was… well. Martin wasn’t sure  _ what _ it was, but it certainly wasn’t making it any easier to walk away. “I- I’m  _ scared,  _ Daisy. I’m scared that I’m never going to see him again, it’s… I spent  _ so long _ pushing him away, and now that he’s actually gone, I…” Jon paused, took a deep breath. “It’s like you said, in the coffin. There were two things that scared you more than anything: that you’d never see the sky again, and that you’d never see Basira again. Well, I’ve got plenty of sky, but…”

“Oh.” Daisy took a moment before responding; in the silence, Martin heard another sigh from Jon. It stuttered, slightly, ragged around the edges in a way that if he didn’t know any better would sound like barely-repressed tears. Then: “I didn’t realize you two were that close.”

“We - we aren’t, I suppose. We  _ weren’t. _ But… I’d like to be.” 

Martin stepped back from the door. He’d heard enough. This wasn’t - 

They  _ were _ better off without him, weren’t they? These last few days, they’d been  _ good,  _ they’d been - Peter had said they were doing fine. So why did Jon sound like  _ that? _

He didn’t know how long he stood in the middle of the hallway, staring at nothing as conflicting thoughts and feelings whirled around his head. Long enough that he jumped when the door opened, the sudden movement taking him by surprise and giving him no chance to leave before he was seen.

Daisy let the door swing shut behind her, giving him an appraising look. He opened his mouth to offer some explanation or apology for his presence, then shut it again as she just continued to stare. What was he supposed to say? Sorry for leaving, I’m back now to make everything right? Don’t worry, I won’t stay long enough to make things worse? Even he didn’t know.

Then she raised an eyebrow at him, and, well... it seemed he  _ had _ already made his choice, though he was scarcely aware of doing so.

He nodded.

Daisy smiled, then, waving him toward Jon’s door as she started to walk down the hallway. She clapped him on the shoulder as she went past - a comradely gesture of welcome and support that seemed almost instinctive on her part. Even if Martin could have found his voice, he wouldn’t have had the words to tell her how much the casual acceptance meant to him.

She was gone before he could even try. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes briefly to try to steady himself.

Then he opened the door, drawing a startled gasp from the man within. 

“Hi, Jon. I’m back.”

**Author's Note:**

> How many "Martin goes back to the Archives" stories will I write before it actually happens in canon, you ask? 
> 
> You shouldn't. Even I don't know.


End file.
